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Jan. 6th, 2011 04:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vintage_belleToo long, don't read. I just needed to write it down so it doesn't stay circling in my head.
A few days ago I had a dream. In it, I was standing in some kind of giant building - probably a mall or department store since there were escalators and a ton of people and shopping bags. I don't know exactly what I was doing - I was standing at a landing I guess. But while I was there, Cat came up to me wearing her familiar red trench coat and standing, oddly, on one leg. Then she gave me a very sound tongue-lashing. Somehow, off screen, I had kicked her in the knee, broken said knee, and... not noticed.
This is the part I keep thinking about.
Because it sounds exactly like me. I do that, don't I? I say or do things that hurt, and unless the other party is inclined to point it out and yell at me, I would probably never notice. Or rather, I notice far too late. I'm the sort of person who looks back on things she did four years prior and thinks 'well shit, that was stupid of me', and writes very long apology notes in her head about those things. But it's all four years too late, isn't it? I don't know that I could count the apologies I owe to my sophomore year roommate for being selfish and most likely an all around pain in the ass to room with. But I couldn't expect her to listen to them and wouldn't blame her if she didn't care.
I don't know if I was equally awful to my senior year roommate. Probably. And there are so many little things I've said to friends that any idiot with a brain-to-mouth filter would have never said, and the times I've done something just to spite the fact that I was asked not to, telling myself it would be amusing and/or forgotten in the end.
Sometimes I'm amazed that I've managed to keep any friends at all. I'm stubborn, I'm overly sarcastic (as I pretend that it's wit), I'm easily upset and often self-righteous - even though at the time of the upset and self-righteous speech I delude myself into thinking I'm not. And maybe this is all brought on by the fact that I'm as insecure as they come. I can't find the good points in myself so I rely on others to mention them for me. Which is stupid.
In the end it's probably a good thing that I'm doomed to be a hermetic cat-lady at 30. Maybe by the time I'm 50 I'll have mellowed out enough to be allowed into polite society again.
A few days ago I had a dream. In it, I was standing in some kind of giant building - probably a mall or department store since there were escalators and a ton of people and shopping bags. I don't know exactly what I was doing - I was standing at a landing I guess. But while I was there, Cat came up to me wearing her familiar red trench coat and standing, oddly, on one leg. Then she gave me a very sound tongue-lashing. Somehow, off screen, I had kicked her in the knee, broken said knee, and... not noticed.
This is the part I keep thinking about.
Because it sounds exactly like me. I do that, don't I? I say or do things that hurt, and unless the other party is inclined to point it out and yell at me, I would probably never notice. Or rather, I notice far too late. I'm the sort of person who looks back on things she did four years prior and thinks 'well shit, that was stupid of me', and writes very long apology notes in her head about those things. But it's all four years too late, isn't it? I don't know that I could count the apologies I owe to my sophomore year roommate for being selfish and most likely an all around pain in the ass to room with. But I couldn't expect her to listen to them and wouldn't blame her if she didn't care.
I don't know if I was equally awful to my senior year roommate. Probably. And there are so many little things I've said to friends that any idiot with a brain-to-mouth filter would have never said, and the times I've done something just to spite the fact that I was asked not to, telling myself it would be amusing and/or forgotten in the end.
Sometimes I'm amazed that I've managed to keep any friends at all. I'm stubborn, I'm overly sarcastic (as I pretend that it's wit), I'm easily upset and often self-righteous - even though at the time of the upset and self-righteous speech I delude myself into thinking I'm not. And maybe this is all brought on by the fact that I'm as insecure as they come. I can't find the good points in myself so I rely on others to mention them for me. Which is stupid.
In the end it's probably a good thing that I'm doomed to be a hermetic cat-lady at 30. Maybe by the time I'm 50 I'll have mellowed out enough to be allowed into polite society again.
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Date: 2011-01-06 01:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-06 03:30 pm (UTC)Yeah, you tend to say what's on your mind right then and there and put yourself down a lot, but it's okay. Do I wish you had more confidence in yourself at times? Hell yes. Am I still going to do everything I can to try to boost it when you don't? Again, hell yes.
If you well and truly pissed me off, love, I wouldn't still be friends with you. XD So what does that say after...fuck, 3-4 years?! XD
♥