(no subject)

Appleton, WI

At approximately 6:10PM, Downer kitchen workers were stunned today as, in a feat of pseudo-intelligence, the cafeteria decided to strike back. The dishroom has long complained of over-use and old age, report dishroom workers. Disintegrating ceiling tiles, pieces of the dishwasher falling at random intervals, and strange sounds eminating from the conveyor belt are among the distressed signals that have been made in the last three months. Tonight it decided to "get serious", according to one source, and the drains, rather than draining, began spitting up. First noticed by the staff on silverware duty, the drains stopped working, allowing nearly two inches of water to collect on the floor. As told by eye witnesses: the supervisor was quickly notified and the mop sent for, and then the water suddenly started to spread, covering nearly ten square feet of floor and shutting down operations. The flood was stopped only by the appearance of Physical Plant, who battled the drains with the ferocity of men about to drown.

Says the employee on silverware duty: "It's usually really wet down there, so that wasn't unusual. What got me was the

bits [of food] that were floating. Then all of a sudden it was spreading, and my supervisor told me to evacuate the position."

Three other drains in the kitchens also attacked via the same method, spreading chaos and an influx of mats throughout the basement of Downer. While plans were made to evacuate the employees, the heroic actions of Physical Plant ended the disaster and restored order. Students will be glad to know that meals will continue as usual.